you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
