Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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