I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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