I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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