If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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