my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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