Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
