I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
