i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
