Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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