i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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