blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
