I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
