i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
