Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You dont lie about slip and slides
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
