During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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