Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
