I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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