There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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