Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize