I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The struggles of a small town man whore
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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