Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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