We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dear god my vagina.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
