I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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