his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
