im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
