He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
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it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
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someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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