pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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