I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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