I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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