I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
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I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
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The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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