god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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