I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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