you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Farmville is her only friend.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
