i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
