im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
