Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
