Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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