you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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