Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
