whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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