we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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