it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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