the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
