The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Blood and glitter go together right?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
