Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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