Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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