You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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