I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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