My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pants are for mortals
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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