The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
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I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
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I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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