No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
