My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
