So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
