dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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