I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
