I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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