ya dads aren't the best wingmen
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
