Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
