The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
whose parrot is this?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
